You First

deeply hilarious in the way of all this author’s works.<br /><br />irreparably devastating in the way of all this author’s works that remind me of myself.<br /><br />honestly, if i didn’t know for a fact that JC Lillis is a distinct human being living in another state with a whole existence utterly and comprehensively separate from my own i would begin to suspect i’ve been sleepwriting novels to exorcise my demons. <br /><br />but that’s not what’s happening, here. <br /><br />she’s just that good at this shit, dammit.

uhm… where do i even begin? this book broke my heart, man. i knew that it was going to be a tough read going in, but i didn’t really expect to be crying from page one nn. i don’t think i’ve cried this much during a read since Con Riley’s <a href="https://goodreads.com/book/show/49594710.After_Ben__Seattle_Stories___1_" title="After Ben (Seattle Stories, #1) by Con Riley" rel="noopener">After Ben</a> (although, to be fair, it doesn’t take much to make me cry these days nn).<br /><br />both of the MCs in this book are kind, wonderful people. they’re also both very flawed. Jay is… i don’t want to say selfish, because that doesn’t feel entirely true or fair to the character, but there are shades of selfishness in a lot of his behavior. the way he seems to disregard Levon’s boundaries and put his own interests ahead was often infuriating to me during my read, but i was still deeply attached and rooting for him to attain his goals - even at the cost of his relationship with Levon.<br /><br />Levon, though. oh, man. he’s our POV character for the entirety of the book and is probably the MC i’ve related to most of any i’ve read as of yet. his defeatist attitude, lack of self-esteem, and the constant anxiety and worries over every one of his own actions (as well as Jay’s) are feelings i know well. i know what it feels like to <b>know</b> the connection with your partner is in jeopardy and not knowing how to fix it; i know what that push-and-pull of not wanting to hold someone back but at the time time not wanting to let them go is like. those feelings were so palpable and, for me, extremely relatable throughout the entire novel. i naively thought i could get this read in a single sitting, but i had to take a break between nearly every chapter in order to get myself back together nn.<br /><br />the ending was tough, but it also felt like the best thing to happen for these characters. but i’m so glad i decided to wait until the sequel came out to read this because i don’t think i could have waited to find out what happens next to these guys ffffff.<br /><br />there are so many little side-plots and side characters i haven’t even touched on here, but everything was wonderful. every character was wonderful. this book? wonderful.<br /><br />five stars.

Price drop to $0.99 at Amazon US! 6/29/20

I am positively feral right now and will wait to do a proper review until after I've read The Forever Place, but in the meantime <b>HOW CAN THIS HAVE UNDER 50 REVIEWS THAT IS CRIMINAL PLEASE EVERYONE READ THIS BOOK SO I HAVE BUDDIES TO INTERNET CRY WITH!!!!</b><br /><br /><i>Update: I tried to write a standalone review for this but I couldn't manage; the (spoiler-free) combined series review is <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/5519937933" rel="nofollow noopener">under book 2 here</a>.</i>

<u>you first</u> was one of those rare books where i was actively rooting for the main couple to break-up … and then <i>i still</i> somehow managed to cry when they actually did ?

<i>A <a href="http:joyfullyjay.com" rel="nofollow noopener">Joyfully Jay</a> review. <br /><br /><b>4.25 stars</b></i><br /><br />Ok you guys, brace yourselves, because if you are anything like me, this one is probably going to have you tearing up. The blurb describes this book as “bittersweet” and that is definitely the case. While the story does end on a positive note, and I think the guys are in the best place they can possibly be given all their hurdles, it is definitely not a traditional romance happy ending, so be prepared. However, despite the fact that I was pretty much feeling all the feelings after reading this one, I found it an incredibly well written, loving story about two men who are figuring out how to mesh their changing visions of the future.<br /><br />The thing that Lillis does so well here is allow us to really see things from both Jay and Levon’s perspectives. Even though we are only in Jay’s POV, I really felt like I could understand what both men are dealing with. Levon is a pretty tense, anxious guy. He likes his simple life, he likes his routines, and deviating scares him. He is totally happy living the same life he has always lived, and he is terrified when he starts to see that Jay is changing. <br /><br /><b>Read Jay’s review in its entirety <a href="https://joyfullyjay.com/2019/05/review-you-first-by-j-c-lillis/" rel="nofollow noopener">here</a>.</b><br /><br /><br />

I think this affected me so much because I’m a total Levon. I’ve grappled with the question of whether my small life with its small pleasures is really okay or am I wasting my one and only shot on this earth. Should I be challenging my comfort zones? Pursuing an exciting career? Traveling the globe? Is my life <i>good</i> or just good enough? And the older I get - as there’s less time for a course correction - it’s become more of a concern. Most of the time I think my life is exactly right for me, but then I panic at the thought that I’ll come to the end and suddenly have regrets when it’s too late. <br /><br />Then there’s the whole question of how much to alter yourself, or compromise your wants and needs, for your partner. How do I even decide which things I could live without and which I really can't? Where is the line? Is it something small like the dance class I’d hate every minute of? Movies or concerts I don’t like? Or is it a move across country to somewhere I don't want to live? The older I get, the more justified I feel in being selfish. But what would I risk a breakup over?<br /><br />Even though there’s a “bittersweet” caveat in the blurb, I didn’t find this book to be a downer. There’s humor and romance along the way. But it does take a real honest look at these big life questions. And the sadness involved if you discover that you might be growing apart.

So, first of all, I'm not going to rate this, because I don't think I can. Is it a well-written, interesting book? Absolutely. Did I like it? No, not really. But i don't mean it like in the first sense of the word... it's just that I don't think I've ever read a book about characters distancing themselves, about a couple (and a gay one at that) in the process of breaking up, and it was stressing me out. I was Anxiety City, okay?<br /><br />I think the world building is great (actually wish there was more of it!), the characters are intriguing, as well as the plot. I loved all the flashbacks, think the narration worked perfectly. There were a few things that shook me (uhh not a fan of "open relationships"... Lev OBVIOUSLY hates it too, it's very clear after one of the flashbacks, and yet it feels like Jay is forcing him into threesomes... yikes).<br /><br />I love J. C. Lillis's writing, but I don't think I can do the sequel. Sorry. :(

every time I read one of J.C. Lillis books I find myself questioning what writing GR reviews is about. Stay with me, I'll try to explain. Obviously GR is not where literary criticism comes to play nor are reviews actual critical essays on the merits of one novel or the other - I am talking about mine here so relax if you think yours are those. But I still feel that somehow you want to give an idea of likes and dislikes and at least try to weave those into the narrative value of the work of fiction itself. So my challenge with her books is this:<br />I love her writing - I do, she is an excellent writer and her stories are achingly lovely and romantic and so very true to life even with elements of supernatural thrown in.<br />BUT I really dislike her main character(s): let me explain. Levon, same as Brandon, are the polar opposite of me: duh, you say, like first you are a lady and second you are like ancient and I get that and I own it but Levon is a 33 yo introvert ball of anxiety with low self esteem who still cares about what his really super shitty parents think. Brandon - albeit only 18 was the same. And I always felt - as I do in this case - like shaking him and going jesus kid tell them to fuck off and be done with it!<br />BUT I also think that if Lillis wasn't that great, understated writer that she is - in full control of her box of tools then I wouldn't feel so strongly about her characters flaws. And there's my "big" GR review type dilemma right there: do I focus on the writing? Or do I focus on how *I* feel about the character and his development? And I just don't know!!!<br /><br />This is a very well written book; it is lovely, heart aching and occasionally hilarious and self deprecating. *I* did not particularly bond with Levon and I found him irritating like hell but *I* also acknowledge that me, the reader, feeling this strong about the character is because its author has drawn him into the most amazing details and that is a very strong plus in my view. I am also delighted to read that there will be more about these two as I really loved Jay and I do hope they both get their heads out of their butts and start looking at how a loving relationship can evolve even when they want different things.<br /><br />All in all I really enjoyed this book - so much so that I ended up being low key inspired in my art making by it and damn but that's like the most JC Lillis thing ever: I wasn't even thinking about being inspired by the book and yet it got under my skin and came out on canvas nonetheless - and I highly recommend it, I am really looking forward the sequel/epilogue to this story.<br /><br />In the meantime you all go read it!!

Excellent book, check.<br /><br />Heart broken, check.<br /><br />*stares anxiously at sequel with promised HEA*<br /><br />(Honestly, if not for <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/5517857286" rel="nofollow noopener">Kathleen's review</a> I think I would have stayed where I was for 2 solid years: stalled out at 40% because I couldn't bear what I knew was coming.)